29 April 2008

It’s tough when the boss is a bully

But don’t sweep it under the carpet.

How to handle a boss who is a bully? The Wall Street Journal newspaper recently sourced some advice for workers suffering this problem.

Taking action
Does it help to simply say “Yes” to the bully and then email the bully’s boss and human resources about the problem?

Debra Comer, a psychologist and professor at the Zarb School of Business at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, who has researched bullying, says this action is useless. While you might feel you are taking action, you are not really achieving anything.

Instead you need to confront the bully, though this is not as easy as pinging off an email to a higher authority. Dr. Comer recognizes the difficulty in saying your piece to an abusive boss and suggests some pointers to bear in mind:

• a bully may not always have been that way, are they under some kind of stress?
• some people are proud of being a bully and say, “It’s just my way”, but others don’t understand the effect they are having
• is the boss only picking on you – perhaps your performance is slipping and you haven’t realized?

You need to work together
Whatever happens, stay positive during the conversation with your boss. You need to find a way to work together, so don’t go on the attack as this is likely to bring about a defensive response. Instead, show you care about the relationship.

Diana Pringle (pictured left), work consultant and existential psychotherapist, says, “Bullying and other forms of coercion are driven by fear. They’re often difficult to resolve, especially where there is a power imbalance as with boss and employee.”

We all have something in common, it seems. “All of us share something of the bully – the persecutor – while also being victims of each other,” Pringle says. “How we understand this is contained in the story we tell ourselves about who we are. We’ll usually edit out the bits that say we were a greedy bully.”

Understand your own contribution
We need to understand the part we are playing in the relationship. “The roles we play aren’t just imposed on us – we also opt into them in some way,” Pringle says.

She advises caution in tackling the bully. “It’s important for your self esteem to stand your ground and not be imposed on,” Pringle says. But time is an important factor. “Some conflicts are intractable at least for now. Talking about differences can sometimes inflame them further, unless both parties are willing to listen and respect the other’s viewpoint.” 

Pringle describes working with a client who was off work with stress caused by bullying and facing a final warning.

Making a breakthrough
“My client made a breakthrough with her boss when she started to both accept her own part in their relationship and allow herself to empathize with his difficulties.

“She had to attend a crucial meeting and was planning to take her husband to speak for her. In the event she spoke for herself. She referred to notes she had made of concrete events, how she had felt and how she now realized she had contributed. 

“Gradually her boss stopped being angry, listened and is now making considerable effort to behave differently. My client was not triumphant, but is making big changes in her way of being – becoming more self possessed and truthful.”

Have your say
Bullying at work is probably an under-reported occurrence and it can be quite subtle. Sometimes it’s easy to spot, but the stereotypical loud, abusive bully isn't necessarily the commonest type. What of the subtle undermining boss – perhaps someone who is afraid of a team member’s success?

Have you ever experienced bullying at work and do you have any tips about what worked well? Is this a topic that should be included in communication skills courses for leaders – and team members?

Discuss these issues with other comms practitioners by joining the Internal Comms Hub members' group on the Communicators' Network.

Other recommendations:
Lack of management skills is a major cause of bullying

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